The Mass of My Ass

I am listening to Stephen Hawking's, "A Briefer History of Time," at the moment, so to say my brain is brim-full of puzzling equations is an understatement. But when my dear Pigassus posted that alarming comment, hinting that the mass of my ass could ostensibly be the cause of an intergalactic incident of potentially catastrophic proportions, well, I had to post this re-butt-all.

I mean, I don't want my double-wide to be solely responsible for hurling the Earth out of its orbit.

So I did a little brushing up on Sir Isaac Newton and realized that even all those years ago, he had my number, or rather, my equation. He postulated that F=m.a, which I am sure has some esoteric scientific or mathematical meaning that those so inclined could find quite useful. However, in my own personal case, F=m.a means simply: Fat equals Mass times Ass...an ass so Brobdingagian in size that apparently its very existence threatens life as we know it...so huge that my ass in and of itself represents an ELE or Extinction Level Event...well...I never.

(Sniffling quietly.)

Still, I do find it interesting that Sir Isaac called this the Law of Inertia. Maybe he knew more about exercise sloths like me than he was letting on. And I cannot tell you whether it is the first or second of his Three Laws of Motion, because to this day, physicists argue heatedly about whether there are two or actually three laws, with many stating that because the purported Second Law deduces the purported First Law, there are in fact, only two laws even though Sir Isaac himself, whom I assume was rather knowledgeable, wrote three. And if you can understand any of what I just wrote, you're smarter than me.

On a much higher note, today is Day 21 and my third weigh-in and measurement day. I have lost another pound, for a total of three so far, a nice, safe, pound-a-week pace. So I weigh 203 pounds now, still a huge hunk of woman, but at least I am heading in the right direction. My goal is to stop making grown men shiver with revulsion as I waddle past. My other goal is to stop waddling.

I also lost another one and a half inches for a total of five inches so far. Seems rather cruel that at least some of those inches are from my chest measurement, that in fact my chest is shrinking far faster than any other part of me, but this just serves as more proof that God has a very puckish sense of humor, especially where women's bodies are concerned. The part of us that men most adore, our breasts, is the last to gain weight and the first to lose it. (Note to self: must talk to God about this along with those 487 other topics already noted in my journal...)

Anyway, back to the Sir Isaac Newton stuff. Way back in 1687, he published something called, Philosophiae Naturalis Principis Mathematica, which contained his Three Laws of Motion, but I am only concerned here today with the First:

1. An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in uniform motion tends to stay in uniform motion unless acted upon by a net external force.

I am at the moment, an object at rest, because I am writing this blog and not walking. I will now apply a net external force, also known as will power, to get the mass of my ass up on the treadmill so I can save the freakin' Universe.

Fat Cat