The Last Temptation of Fat

Would you eat food from a vat?
Would you gain that extra fat?

I will not snorfle pizza, dear.
I will not guzzle all that beer!

But would you, could you, at a bar...
Consume all snacks though near and far?

I will not eat large portions now!
I will not look like that big cow!

Then won't you try a last buffet?
Perhaps to gorge there all damn day?

Oh no! I won't give in to lard,
Because I've worked just way too hard!

But won't you like some lobster bisque?
Will just one trough present a risk?

No, no, you fool! I won't get fat!
I won't give in to temptations that...

Will make my butt look like a cheese,
And make my gut shake when I sneeze.

If I should grow another size,
Chaffing will destroy my thighs!

My neck will sag and who wants that?
Tell me, why should I get fat?

Why shouldn't I be cute and light?
And exercise with all my might!

I will win this diet, see!
I will be the new, thin me!


I don't know why an overweight ghost of Dr. Seuss just possessed me, but I certainly hope he burns some calories while he channels his spirit through me. If he can clear up any troublesome blocked arteries or revive some hair follicles while he's at it, I might actually contribute to a charitable organization that his heirs have established in his name. Heck, if he also increases my memory, regrows my liver, and makes me look a few years younger, we'll hit the road and we can make a living as a good looking Exorcist on Ice freak show!

Never mind, I am sure I just felt him leave... in a hurry. Oh well.

But the point is still the same: People who have started to diet and lowered their portion sizes go supercalifragilistic-crazy-alidocious. At this point, if I saw pink elephants, I would simply hunt them down and roast them with a garlic chutney and honey glaze. Heck, after another few days of dieting I might eat raw unicorns with a little Hobbit for dessert.

So maybe I will just order a pizza. I have often succumbed to the "last temptation" syndrome when I pick a day in my head to really START my diet. Since it is Halloween and tomorrow begins a fresh month (as opposed to the stale, dying month of October), I think I will just indulge his ONE LAST TIME and begin anew in the morning.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Anyone else ever have that one last food fling before trying to diet? Nutritionists and psychologists alike claim nothing good comes from "last temptation" urges, but when my tummy is grumbling I can't think of a reason not to have one last tasty hurrah.

I'll let you know tomorrow what, if any, damage has come from this ill-conceived but delicious plan... and also a review of the new pizza I ordered from Domino's.

Piga-Seuss