Okay, if Britney Spears is fat is this photo, then I'm a heavenly body. And by that I don't mean I have a beautiful figure. I mean, compared to Britney, I'm a whole other planet. How can I tell I'm a planet? Because of the regular elliptical orbit I maintain...refrigerator, stove, recliner. Refrigerator, stove, recliner. You could set your clock by it.
You might notice Miss Britney is proudly carrying a special award in the above photo. It's the first-ever Fat-Chat Cruller of Kindness award. Brit is so beleaguered these days, we just thought we would give her an award to acknowledge that she is still beautiful and talented, even if she is also making some rather bad choices at the moment.
In fact, upon due consideration, we realized we had to give Britney another accord, this one perhaps not so welcome, the first-ever Fat-Chat Donut of Disapproval. But Miss Fat Cat confesses she felt some trepidation when she was giving out this designation, because the very thing she was trying to cover up..., well, I guess she never took into consideration that donuts have holes in very awkward places. But at least the donut hole is better than seeing Miss Britney's bits.
Upon further consideration, Miss Fat Cat decided she had to make this a whole donut rather than a holey donut. The holey donut was actually quite unholy, and could possibly have offended some of our more tender readers.
Now, for our next topic. Shut up, Cris Crocker. Yes, we said Shut up!
Because you are not the only one who likes Britney and who is willing to go out on a limb to defend her. She may be drunk, disorderly, fast as a pick pocket on pay day and easy as a 10-piece puzzle, but she is not not not FAT. Or even Phat. Okay, Pigassus just told me she is maybe phat. Can I help it if I'm older than God's dog and don't quite understand ebonics?
Yes, we awarded Cris Crocker the second official Fat-Chat Donut of Disapproval. We made him eat it!
Still, it's just not fair. There is such a double standard in Hollywood. Male stars can have paunches down to their knees and still be cast as romantic leads. The 20-something starlets they hire to play the ingenue to the old goat must grimace when they're forced to kiss these geezers for the cameras, but the folks who run Hollywood think it's okay. But just let a female star gain an ounce, get a wrinkle or a grey hair...and God forbid! Run her out of town! Eeeeew! Who does that hag think she is, still trying to work in Tinseltown when she's old and fat?
Yep, it's the old double standard alright. Just let Britney have the teensiest bit of tummy after two prenancies and all of a sudden she's a heifer. I'll tell you who's at fault in that whole Video Music Award thing, other than the person who gave Brit all that joy juice before she went on stage. It's whoever designed her costume and dressed her. Beyonce has a rather pronounced and generous-sized booty, but her mother, who is an ingenius costume designer, makes her clothes to emphasize her tiny waist and flat stomach, and she looks like a dream. Of course, the fact that she is drop dead gorgeous helps a lot, but you get my drift.
As far as I'm concerned. whoever designed Brit's VMA costume is a rather mean-spirited person, because they put parts on full display that could have been camouflaged to make Britney look as slim as she actually is. Instead, she might as well have been wearing a flashing neon arrow pointing at her ever so slightly untoned midriff and making it look 10 times worse than it actually is. By my sights, Britney is still about a size 8 and that's a slender woman. Sure, she has a bit of a rounded stomach, but that's what happens after women have babies, and she's just had two in quick succession.
Take a look at this picture. This is NOT a fat woman. Misguided? Yes. Impulsive and impetuous? Most Definitely. Mother or Driver of the Year candidate? Um, in a word...no. But fat? FAT? Most definitely not. So cut her some slack, world!
Speaking of the double standard, the following male star is still beloved and considered highly sexy, especially by his good friend, Oprah. But look at this picture of him. He is quite frankly, fat. In fact, he is fatter than Fat Cat. But he is still bringing home the bacon...if you get my meaning.
As a matter of fact, that's a whole mess of bacon, that is.
Hmm, bacon. Time to go into orbit. Ta-ta for now!
Planet Fat Cat
P. S. - Planet Fat Cat almost forgot to thank Piggy for his brilliance. She was mulling over the idea of Fat-Chat giving out some sort of awards when he oinked out in an instant - Cruller of Kindness and Donut of Disapproval. Dearest Piggy can always be relied upon to come up with a food-based solution to any problem. However, I had quite a struggle in trying not to eat the awards before I handed them out.
Oink!
I mean, um, er...meow.
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