A Retraction

In an earlier post I implied that didn't consider government intervention on a free society's eating choices a good or moral thing. I think I have changed my mind.

A few days ago I saw an advertisement for Domino's new twin-crust double-stuffed, deep fat pizza. Keeping in mind that they don't advertise it as "deep fat", it was still irresistible. And so I ordered one on a day that I was supposed to be eating slivers of lettuce and drawing in the vapors over boiling chicken broth (which is called, not surprisingly, the "lettuce slivers and chicken vapors diet"). I HAD to have one. I saw the crispy crust and the melty cheese and my hand shot out to the phone and dialed without even one conscious thought to the contrary. My mouth salivated in anticipation and all thoughts of diet, exercise, weight loss and health were gone.

Three or four hours later after I awoke from my carb heavy coma, I didn't quite feel the same about free markets and open societies. I no longer believe, for the sake of my hottishness, that they should offer things that tasty and delicious.

A similar thing happened at Target yesterday. I was heading down the isle with a friend shopping for healthy, organic, unspoiled Earth-centric foods and such crap when I saw a huge sign that said "ALL HALLOWEEN CANDY 50% OFF". Every non-fat cell in my body screamed "Don't do it!" but instead I grabbed five bags and headed for the checkout as if I had a football and was about to make the winning touchdown. I could not resist a sale on chocolate, it was impossible.

And so, I don't think they should allow the possession or distribution of chocolate.

Now I know that seems extreme, but something has to be done before I gain weight. Hershey's should be forced to make candy bars using only broccoli and brown rice. McDonald's chicken nuggets should be coated in soy protein, not tasty golden batter, and then boiled in ancient glacial waters instead of fried in oil. Milkshakes must be outlawed completely and replaced with lightly seasoned organic celery stalks lovingly washed with a baby's tears. They can call it the "Unhappy Meal".

Trust me, with a menu like that it will very unlikely that I will be able to afford to eat out, much less gain any weight. And it really could be that simple: make it impossible to enjoy food and VOILA! we are all thin and beautiful.

Of course I hasten to add that ancient Roman slaves ate nothing but organically grown grains and wilted lettuce and they died at an alarmingly early age. They rarely ate meat, were never fat, and got more than enough exercise yet they managed to have a life expectancy of around seven or eight minutes. Since the third minute was concerned with reproduction (and what has changed!), that left like six minutes to live.

I don't think I want to go out quite that fast.

So I guess I will just have to treat my desire for really tasty foods like an addiction and act accordingly. But I warn all of you out there: If I fail this time to lose weight, don't be surprised if legislation prohibiting the sale or use of flavor is introduced in the next Congressional session.

You have been warned.

Pigassus


Post Script: This morning was the dreaded weigh-in and at 214.0 lbs I gained one-half pound of muscle... MUSCLE. Not fat, not a half-pound of fat. Or bone. Maybe I grew a half-pound of bone. Or brain cells, though I don't feel a lot most smarter. But could be brains. Or bone.